A T T H E P A R K ' S

Well, today's the day. It has been four years since we lost our precious little one. If you haven't read the story, you can find it here . This is the first anniversary that I can actually say I haven't had any tears today, just joy for what's to come when we meet in heaven. Wow! I never imagined I'd be able to say that but, well, I've had some breakthrough. That's not to say that I'll forget, because I will never forget. However, I'm at peace. Let me back up. After our tragedy, I struggled. Well actually, I struggled for almost three years. My heart was fighting God and I was angry at what had happened, bitter, anxious, and depressed. On top of that, I was physically struggling with an autoimmune disease and its repercussions. My heart and body wanted to be healed and whole again but I had no idea how I could ever get there. I thought my body had betrayed me and I thought I'd have to fight this for the rest of my life. At times, my thoug...

For the past three years, the end of February, the beginning of April, and the beginning of November, have been some of the most difficult times of the year. They mark painful anniversaries of the day we lost our baby and the expected due date.  It was over three years ago the only time I saw the word "pregnant" on a stick. Yes, I've been a Mom for three years. No, I'm not raising a child, but I'm a Mom to one in heaven. Over the last three years, God has been working in my heart. For so long I was angry, depressed, anxious, life was challenging to say the least. Then early last year we learned about my autoimmune disease and the other conditions it has caused and everything began to make sense. Now I could put names to what was causing me to feel so awful all day, every day. About three months ago, I had a bout of tachycardia while working (certainly not the first time this has happened). So, I ended up seeing my doctor and the anxiety was consumi...

A couple of months ago, as I wrote about here , we started the process of infertility testing and treatment. After a few appointments, blood draws and an ultrasound, we learned that I have an autoimmune disease causing, among a number of symptoms I won't go into detail here, thyroid issues, hormone imbalances, and infertility. On top of that, the tumors I had during our miscarriage are back. This season of our marriage has been incredibly trying and incredibly precious. For some, going through a miscarriage and/or infertility can break a marriage. But, because of God's grace, JP and I have grown closer together in our marriage and are stronger every passing day. JP is the best thing (besides Jesus) that's ever happened to me and I am so proud to call him my husband. He is a gift that I never want to take for granted. Through these trials, we've learned some painful life lessons and I thought I'd share some of them with you: ONE: FLEXIBILITY Oh man....

Ladies, we have been given an incredible opportunity. We have been entrusted to care for our husband's heart, to love and support our spouse, and to speak truth into our husband's life to help and encourage him. And to bless him. One of the many ways we can love and support our spouse is to pray for them. Prayer changes lives. It changes hearts, words and actions. It changes marriages-the root of the family unit. When we pray for our spouse we are actively applying God's Word into our lives. For some of us , it can be hard to pray for our spouse, especially if we've been hurt. And for others, it's just a challenge to know where to begin and know how exactly to pray. Some time  ago, I came across a printable prayer sheet through a link on pinterest and thought I'd share it with you today. It came from the Organizing Made Fun blog, and here is the link to the original post where you can print the prayer guides ( HERE ). Not only does it give you a guide ...

Source Over the last few weeks leading up to today's one year anniversary of the loss of our little one (you can read about that HERE ), I have felt peace. Even better, I've felt the sweet presence of the Lord. I have been reading the devotional  One Thousand Gifts  by Ann Voskamp and am becoming more aware of His goodness, His faithfulness, and His incredible love. This last year has been filled with shame and hurt, and plenty of pain and suffering. I fought the Lord and was angry with Him for most of the year. I didn't understand (and still don't) why we had to experience the heart ache and brokenness. Initially, I asked the question WHY on a daily basis and demanded answers. My heart was filled with anger and bitterness and I was living in rebellion because I wasn't trusting in the Lord.  But I am eternally grateful that God's mercy is new every morning. We have another chance to start afresh every single day. "Because of the Lord's grea...

source One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.  You can read about that story here .  Hubby and I had been trying for a year and looking back now at what we've gone through this last year with our loss and the tumors , it was a miracle we ever got pregnant.  God never says we won't go through pain and suffering and difficult times but He has promised that He will never leave us.  So we continue to lean on Him and trust that He knows what's ahead.  There are times when I forget to surrender my worries and fears and I'm reminded that I must daily, sometimes minute by minute, look to Him and let go.  I found this song on The Weigand's blog post here and I'm so grateful for Casey's words about her most recent miscarriage and sharing her heart.  I'd love to share this song with you.  It's called Have Your Way, by Britt Nicole. Have Your Way by Britt Nicole on Grooveshark Readers come across our "loss" link at different t...

There are so many experiences that I simply forget to blog about, encounters with God, that are such a testament to His goodness and faithfulness and love.  Two nights ago, I had one of those encounters and I have felt lead to write and share.  Happy Sunday all and may this encourage your heart. Late Friday evening I was having a conversation with my husband, one of those sweet, sort of quiet moments just the two of us, and I was crying and pouring out my heart to him.  Asking the difficult question about WHY God would have us go through our miscarriage.  WHY did our baby have to die?  WHY didn't I just schedule my annual exam the year prior when I was due and the tumors would have been found and the miscarriage would never have happened!  Or, when I did end up scheduling my annual, WHY did I then two days later have to find out that we were pregnant after a year of trying?  WHY did my sister-in-law have to get pregnant and be due just four weeks ...

I thought I'd post a status update online for those who I can't visit in person.  The pain medications have caused dizziness and drowsiness, so I apologize if I sound like I'm rambling... If you'd like to learn the story of how the tumors were found you can catch up HERE . Things have been pretty boring around here recently.  I had my surgery (Open Abdominal Myomectomy) three weeks ago today and I am glad to say that I am on the mend!  And tumor-free!!!  Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, calls, gifts, and hospital visits!  Surgery went really well and the doctors were able to remove ALL of the tumors (8 in total).  A few of them were quite large (1 was the size of a baseball and 1 looked to be almost two baseballs conjoined) with the rest varying in smaller sizes.  Honestly, I have no idea how they all fit inside of me.  They had been shrinking prior to surgery so I was grateful to hear that there weren't any complications.  I...

Over three weeks ago I posted this photo on instagram, but thought I'd share it today since it's still applicable.  Thank you for all of your prayers. Today marks 3 months and 3 days since we lost our precious little one. Today also marks one week until my big surgery to remove all of the tumors.  "...above all else, today I choose Joy...I will refuse the temptation to be bitter or cynical...I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God..."  If you have a chance, please pray for my continued emotional healing as well as my physical healing. Thank you so much. I appreciate it more than you know. -quote from Max Lucado

Well, it has been two months since we lost our precious little one and I no longer cry every day.  I am learning to maneuver through the waves of grief.  It's not over, but the intensity has begun to dissipate.  For a while, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave and sleep all day and all night.  I felt so alone.  And it seemed that my only comfort was reading stories of others who had gone through the same pain and grief . Reminders seem to be everywhere.  I continue getting baby updates from online companies even after I have unsubscribed.  I secretly weep when I see pregnant women.  It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby...apart from me.  I have packed up the few baby items I purchased and tucked them away for another time.  The painful details are replayed in my head over and over.  I remember the sonographer's face when the tumors were found.  The expression on the doctor's face when she told me I was hav...

Click HERE for Part 1 and HERE for Part 2.  TRIGGER WARNING: Death, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, D & C. Fast forward one week.  4:45am on Saturday April 5th, the bleeding began.  Exactly nine weeks pregnant.  I had minimal cramping but we ended up calling the on-call MD later that morning.  We were told to come in immediately if it got any worse.  Since it didn't change, we waited a day.  The next morning I was bleeding more heavily and in excruciating pain that I was on all fours leaning over the side of the bed.  My husband called the on-call MD again and we were told to head straight to the E.R.  I knew what was happening. The rest of that day was sort of a blur. They did some tests. An ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed the yolk sac but the technician couldn't detect the baby.  She commented that it didn't mean for sure it wasn't in there, but that we just couldn't see it.  (From what we understand now, we misca...