A T T H E P A R K ' S

Well, today's the day. It has been four years since we lost our precious little one. If you haven't read the story, you can find it here . This is the first anniversary that I can actually say I haven't had any tears today, just joy for what's to come when we meet in heaven. Wow! I never imagined I'd be able to say that but, well, I've had some breakthrough. That's not to say that I'll forget, because I will never forget. However, I'm at peace. Let me back up. After our tragedy, I struggled. Well actually, I struggled for almost three years. My heart was fighting God and I was angry at what had happened, bitter, anxious, and depressed. On top of that, I was physically struggling with an autoimmune disease and its repercussions. My heart and body wanted to be healed and whole again but I had no idea how I could ever get there. I thought my body had betrayed me and I thought I'd have to fight this for the rest of my life. At times, my thoug...

For the past three years, the end of February, the beginning of April, and the beginning of November, have been some of the most difficult times of the year. They mark painful anniversaries of the day we lost our baby and the expected due date.  It was over three years ago the only time I saw the word "pregnant" on a stick. Yes, I've been a Mom for three years. No, I'm not raising a child, but I'm a Mom to one in heaven. Over the last three years, God has been working in my heart. For so long I was angry, depressed, anxious, life was challenging to say the least. Then early last year we learned about my autoimmune disease and the other conditions it has caused and everything began to make sense. Now I could put names to what was causing me to feel so awful all day, every day. About three months ago, I had a bout of tachycardia while working (certainly not the first time this has happened). So, I ended up seeing my doctor and the anxiety was consumi...

A couple of months ago, as I wrote about here , we started the process of infertility testing and treatment. After a few appointments, blood draws and an ultrasound, we learned that I have an autoimmune disease causing, among a number of symptoms I won't go into detail here, thyroid issues, hormone imbalances, and infertility. On top of that, the tumors I had during our miscarriage are back. This season of our marriage has been incredibly trying and incredibly precious. For some, going through a miscarriage and/or infertility can break a marriage. But, because of God's grace, JP and I have grown closer together in our marriage and are stronger every passing day. JP is the best thing (besides Jesus) that's ever happened to me and I am so proud to call him my husband. He is a gift that I never want to take for granted. Through these trials, we've learned some painful life lessons and I thought I'd share some of them with you: ONE: FLEXIBILITY Oh man....

We all have that day. The day when our world changed forever. For us, it was the day we lost our little one. I don't cry much anymore, but I remember. The pain isn't raw as it once was, but I will never forget. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. The day I told my husband he was a daddy to be. I remember the dreams we had for this baby. Our hopes. Our plans. Our future. I remember our normally un-snuggly dog coming up to me and nuzzling her head under my arm pit, resting her head on my belly as if she knew there was a little life growing inside of me. I remember the prayers. So many prayers. We prayed every night for this baby of ours. For their future. For their health. For their life. The unbelievable love. The warmth of the sun and the smell in the air. I remember the darkness descending. The blood. The emergency room. The tests. The feelings of fear. The spoken words. The reality dawning. The unimaginable pain. The surgery. The pain isn't...

As some of you may or may not know, JP and I have been on a three year journey to become parents to a sweet little babe. We've prayed, hoped, and dreamt. We've experienced pregnancy, loss, tumors, and infertility. At times, life has been incredibly painful but God is so gracious to us. One of the biggest lessons we've learned thus far is letting go and trusting. Letting go of our plans and embracing God's plan, and believing that God knows what is best for us. He is teaching us, day by day, what it means to wait on Him. If this isn't perfect timing (!) KLove's scripture of the day is this:  "Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 He's a good father, and perfect in all of His ways. Though none of us want to endure suffering, it is in those "valley" or "desert" times that Jesus takes us deeper in our relationship with Him. Before you ask, the answer is no w...

Source Over the last few weeks leading up to today's one year anniversary of the loss of our little one (you can read about that HERE ), I have felt peace. Even better, I've felt the sweet presence of the Lord. I have been reading the devotional  One Thousand Gifts  by Ann Voskamp and am becoming more aware of His goodness, His faithfulness, and His incredible love. This last year has been filled with shame and hurt, and plenty of pain and suffering. I fought the Lord and was angry with Him for most of the year. I didn't understand (and still don't) why we had to experience the heart ache and brokenness. Initially, I asked the question WHY on a daily basis and demanded answers. My heart was filled with anger and bitterness and I was living in rebellion because I wasn't trusting in the Lord.  But I am eternally grateful that God's mercy is new every morning. We have another chance to start afresh every single day. "Because of the Lord's grea...

source One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.  You can read about that story here .  Hubby and I had been trying for a year and looking back now at what we've gone through this last year with our loss and the tumors , it was a miracle we ever got pregnant.  God never says we won't go through pain and suffering and difficult times but He has promised that He will never leave us.  So we continue to lean on Him and trust that He knows what's ahead.  There are times when I forget to surrender my worries and fears and I'm reminded that I must daily, sometimes minute by minute, look to Him and let go.  I found this song on The Weigand's blog post here and I'm so grateful for Casey's words about her most recent miscarriage and sharing her heart.  I'd love to share this song with you.  It's called Have Your Way, by Britt Nicole. Have Your Way by Britt Nicole on Grooveshark Readers come across our "loss" link at different t...

Today, November 8th, 2014, they said our baby would be due. I have dreaded this day ever since OUR LOSS in April.  Nothing has really prepared us for what we should expect to go through since that day and in fact, it seems that every event this entire year has been documented in my mind as either before or after our miscarriage.  I know that at some point I won't think in terms like that, but I don't think you ever really get "over it" either.  You never, ever , forget. Today could have been the day I brought our little one into this world and that makes the day especially painful.  Today, we should be looking into his or her eyes, hearing that first cry, and wrapping little hands around our fingers.  But our arms are empty and my belly is flat, evidence that I am not bringing a baby into this world.  Today I've carried this baby full-term, in my heart.  The pain becomes fresh again as we have passed through the "markers" or mile...

***Update:  For whatever reason, blogger didn't put up my post when I had scheduled it to be posted, so here it is a few days late. If you've never lost a child, survived a miscarriage or a stillbirth, you may be unaware that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and the 15th is the universal day of remembrance.   There are events taking place across the country this month raising awareness and offering support and resources for those that are walking along this journey.  If you have suffered a miscarriage or a stillbirth, please know that you are not alone.  My husband and I had no idea how many of our friends and family had gone through miscarriages, suffering in silence, until we had experienced our own. 1 in 4 will lose a baby to miscarriage In the US, 1 in 160-200 will experience a stillbirth In the US, just over 11,000 infants will die within 24 hours of their birth each year Let's speak out about pregnancy loss.  Let's not suffe...

There are so many experiences that I simply forget to blog about, encounters with God, that are such a testament to His goodness and faithfulness and love.  Two nights ago, I had one of those encounters and I have felt lead to write and share.  Happy Sunday all and may this encourage your heart. Late Friday evening I was having a conversation with my husband, one of those sweet, sort of quiet moments just the two of us, and I was crying and pouring out my heart to him.  Asking the difficult question about WHY God would have us go through our miscarriage.  WHY did our baby have to die?  WHY didn't I just schedule my annual exam the year prior when I was due and the tumors would have been found and the miscarriage would never have happened!  Or, when I did end up scheduling my annual, WHY did I then two days later have to find out that we were pregnant after a year of trying?  WHY did my sister-in-law have to get pregnant and be due just four weeks ...

Over three weeks ago I posted this photo on instagram, but thought I'd share it today since it's still applicable.  Thank you for all of your prayers. Today marks 3 months and 3 days since we lost our precious little one. Today also marks one week until my big surgery to remove all of the tumors.  "...above all else, today I choose Joy...I will refuse the temptation to be bitter or cynical...I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God..."  If you have a chance, please pray for my continued emotional healing as well as my physical healing. Thank you so much. I appreciate it more than you know. -quote from Max Lucado

Well, it has been two months since we lost our precious little one and I no longer cry every day.  I am learning to maneuver through the waves of grief.  It's not over, but the intensity has begun to dissipate.  For a while, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave and sleep all day and all night.  I felt so alone.  And it seemed that my only comfort was reading stories of others who had gone through the same pain and grief . Reminders seem to be everywhere.  I continue getting baby updates from online companies even after I have unsubscribed.  I secretly weep when I see pregnant women.  It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby...apart from me.  I have packed up the few baby items I purchased and tucked them away for another time.  The painful details are replayed in my head over and over.  I remember the sonographer's face when the tumors were found.  The expression on the doctor's face when she told me I was hav...

Click HERE for Part 1 and HERE for Part 2.  TRIGGER WARNING: Death, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, D & C. Fast forward one week.  4:45am on Saturday April 5th, the bleeding began.  Exactly nine weeks pregnant.  I had minimal cramping but we ended up calling the on-call MD later that morning.  We were told to come in immediately if it got any worse.  Since it didn't change, we waited a day.  The next morning I was bleeding more heavily and in excruciating pain that I was on all fours leaning over the side of the bed.  My husband called the on-call MD again and we were told to head straight to the E.R.  I knew what was happening. The rest of that day was sort of a blur. They did some tests. An ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed the yolk sac but the technician couldn't detect the baby.  She commented that it didn't mean for sure it wasn't in there, but that we just couldn't see it.  (From what we understand now, we misca...