HEALER OF MY SCARS.

There are so many experiences that I simply forget to blog about, encounters with God, that are such a testament to His goodness and faithfulness and love.  Two nights ago, I had one of those encounters and I have felt lead to write and share.  Happy Sunday all and may this encourage your heart.

Late Friday evening I was having a conversation with my husband, one of those sweet, sort of quiet moments just the two of us, and I was crying and pouring out my heart to him.  Asking the difficult question about WHY God would have us go through our miscarriage.  WHY did our baby have to die?  WHY didn't I just schedule my annual exam the year prior when I was due and the tumors would have been found and the miscarriage would never have happened!  Or, when I did end up scheduling my annual, WHY did I then two days later have to find out that we were pregnant after a year of trying?  WHY did my sister-in-law have to get pregnant and be due just four weeks before us?  WHY, WHY, WHY!?!  I wasn't over the top angry as I had been a month or two ago, I just wanted some answers...or at least another piece in the puzzle of our lives.

My husband's response was simple and calm, "babe, you just need to trust in God."  I said, "trust in GOD!!" and then I mockingly chuckled.  As if it were THAT easy!  I had been on an emotional roller coaster since April and I needed something to hold onto.

Then reality hit.  I truly wasn't trusting God.  I was doubting Him.  What right did I have to think that I knew what was best for us?  I needed to not only believe IN God, but believe God.  Believe that none of this was a surprise to God.  That He has a plan for our lives.  That every day has been written and ordained by God.  The reality is this: Nobody is leading a perfect life, without some level of illness, stress or hardship.  Everyone deals with something, we just may never hear about it in this "perfect" world of filtered instagram photos...

I shared with my husband a conversation I had in my hospital room with one of our pastors from our church and how angry I was after the pastor left.  While I was on narcotics and still in a lot of pain, tired, and emotional, I commented to the pastor in sort of a half-talk half-cry, "I still just don't understand why it all had to happen..."  Without hesitation, the pastor responded with something to the effect of, Julie, you can't be like that, or you can't have that attitude or doubt, or something like that, I don't really remember the words verbatim.  But, immediately I was angry.  In my heart I was yelling at him saying "don't tell me how to feel during this time!!!  Don't tell me how to grieve!  I am still trying to figure this all out!  Don't this, and don't that..."  The pastor prayed for me and was on his way.  My husband had entirely missed that conversation by minutes as he walked into my room later that evening.  As I lay in my hospital bed, the pastor's words swirled around in my head for the next few hours until my eyelids finally closed and I drifted off to sleep. 

It was while I was sharing with my husband that story, I realized the words from our pastor needed to be spoken.  Hubby and I said our good-nights and he quickly dozed off.  I on the other hand was an emotional wreck.  Crying.  Praying and asking God to forgive me for my lack of faith.  I prayed that He would comfort me, and wrap His arms around me.  That He would encourage me.

Within seconds, the chorus of a song began playing over and over in my mind.  I tried to shield the bright light of my cell phone as I searched for the song and its lyrics.  I let the words sink into my heart and I became calm.  He began speaking to my heart.  I don't know about you, but I seem to hear God's voice primarily through songs.  Or maybe I just listen better through songs?

Here is my chalkboard version of the chorus:

  

"Steady My Heart"

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy?
Why is pain a part of us?
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan

You are here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
'Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart [x2]

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry
I know that you've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand