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For the past three years, the end of February, the beginning of April, and the beginning of November, have been some of the most difficult times of the year. They mark painful anniversaries of the day we lost our baby and the expected due date. It was over three years ago the only time I saw the word "pregnant" on a stick.

Yes, I've been a Mom for three years. No, I'm not raising a child, but I'm a Mom to one in heaven.

Over the last three years, God has been working in my heart. For so long I was angry, depressed, anxious, life was challenging to say the least. Then early last year we learned about my autoimmune disease and the other conditions it has caused and everything began to make sense. Now I could put names to what was causing me to feel so awful all day, every day.

About three months ago, I had a bout of tachycardia while working (certainly not the first time this has happened). So, I ended up seeing my doctor and the anxiety was consuming me. My focus was on me and my problems and why I couldn't fix myself. In fact, while the doctor was checking my pulse and blood pressure, I happened to glance down to check the numbers. Almost instantaneously, those numbers I was reading shot up like a rocket in the sky.

It hit me that I was the problem.

I wanted to be better. I wanted to be healthy. But, I was holding on to something that was meant to be released long ago.

Then I had another revelation. God spoke three words into my heart. The three words that would free me from my past. From the heartache. From the emptiness. They would allow me to take a step back and remember why I believed in the Lord and all He had done in my life. Isn't it amazing how God can reveal something to you and in an instant, you know it was right. And good. And perfect. It was exactly what I needed to hear and at the exact time I'd be ready to hear it.

So, I made a decision.

I made a decision to choose. To choose every day to be joyful. To be happy. To trust in God. To trust in His goodness. In His faithfulness. In His timing. Yes, I look at my two-and-a-half year old niece (due one month ahead of ours) and wonder what our little one would have been like with her. How they could have played as cousins and grown up together. But living in the past doesn't allow us to be present. Being depressed and anxiety-ridden only robs us of our future. I'm not saying this is easy. Suffering from both anxiety and bouts of depression, I can say that these are serious mental health issues and for some, counseling and other forms of treatment are extremely beneficial. But that's for another post.

I know I've written this before. About trusting God. But now it has become a heart change. And a mind shift.

I finally get it.

This season that we're in, is just that, a season. I never thought I'd write this but I'm so grateful for this valley season. Without this pain and suffering from our loss, my infertility and other health issues, we'd never be in a position to lean so heavily on the Lord. His grace has been poured out on us in ways we couldn't have written on our own. His plan is so much greater than what we could have imagined and that hope has carried us. It is well with my soul. And you know what? I'm excited for what the future holds. God is making a way for us and I'm excited to see how our story unfolds. I want what God wants and nothing less.

Yesterday, KLove radio played a new song and I thought the lyrics fit so perfectly with the sentiment of my post. It has really touched me in a way words could never express. It's called Still, by Hillary Scott and The Scott Family. Here is a link to the video here and below. Check out the lyrics below.

Thank you so much for your continued love and support over the years as we've gone through some deep waters. We appreciate our readers more than you know! And if you have had any sort of recent encounters with God or ways you've felt His presence or heard His voice, I'd love to hear about them in the comments. Or if you've been struggling with something and God has walked with you through the valley, I'd love to hear about it. May this song encourage your heart. Enjoy.

[Verse 1]
I believe that You are God alone
But sometimes I still try to take control
'Cause I get scared when I can't see the end
And all You want from me is to let go

You're parting waters
Making a way for me
You're moving mountains, that I don't even see
You've answered my prayer, before I even speak
All You need for me to be
Is still

[Verse 2]
I bring my praise before I bring my need
'Cause there's no fear You've not already seen
I rest my heart on all Your promises
'Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness

You're parting waters
Making a way for me
You're moving mountains, that I don't even see
You've answered my prayer, before I even speak
All You need for me to be
Is still

And know that You are God
Be still
And know that You, trust that You are
Parting waters
Lord, You whispered my name
Oh, You answered my prayer
You're moving mountains

You're parting waters
Making a way for me
You're moving mountains, that I don't even see
You've answered my prayer, before I even speak
All You need for me to be
Is still
Be still


  1. Thanks so much for reading our posts and following along as we share some hard stuff from our loss and our TTC journey. If you are struggling with infertility, know that you are not alone.


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