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Today, November 8th, 2014, they said our baby would be due.

I have dreaded this day ever since OUR LOSS in April.  Nothing has really prepared us for what we should expect to go through since that day and in fact, it seems that every event this entire year has been documented in my mind as either before or after our miscarriage.  I know that at some point I won't think in terms like that, but I don't think you ever really get "over it" either.  You never, ever, forget.

Today could have been the day I brought our little one into this world and that makes the day especially painful.  Today, we should be looking into his or her eyes, hearing that first cry, and wrapping little hands around our fingers.  But our arms are empty and my belly is flat, evidence that I am not bringing a baby into this world.  Today I've carried this baby full-term, in my heart.  The pain becomes fresh again as we have passed through the "markers" or milestones along the way and compared stages with other pregnant ladies due around the same time.

November was the month.  One month after their newest cousin was born (an incredibly bittersweet day).  You can check out the day we met Lucy HERE.  I am grateful though that today is Saturday, and I will not be working.  I have been grieving all over again like I did after my d&c.  At this point, I am not so sure what we will do today, if anything.  But, I suppose we'll be watching the Duck game tonight and maybe we'll clean the house and walk the dog.  Actually, it might be a good day for a hike and a movie, and maybe even matching memorial tattoos in remembrance.  Who knows.

It will be a normal day.  Except that it won't.

The photo above was a message my husband wrote to me with pieces of chalk on our kitchen counter the other day after work before he left for an appointment.  I love that he lets me know he's thinking of me even when he's not physically present.  It's the little things that just melt my heart and I am so very grateful for him.

Throughout this journey, I've tried to be as transparent as possible telling our story so that maybe others would be able to identify with some our struggles.  Lately though, I've just been quiet.  I've struggled lately with hearing women (and their husbands) complain about their pregnancies and hearing comments from mothers who take for granted their own children and treat them as if they are just excess baggage.  Especially today, it feels like everyone has moved on and no one remembers what today would have been.  No one knows the grief that we're carrying, especially today and we're trying not to put any expectations or time limits on what we should be feeling.  But, we won't suffer alone.  We're still comforted.  To think, when those little eyes opened, the first thing he or she saw was the face of Jesus.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to our friends and family who have gone out of their way to love us amidst the chaos and prayed with us and for us throughout this difficult journey.  Believe me, these words and actions do not go unnoticed and will be something we will surely never forget.  And for those few horrible comments, the let me minimize or invalidate your experience soapboxes, or the simply insensitive ones, we simply choose to give those people grace.  Not because we are somehow better people or stronger or holier, but because we have been given grace.  Let me be honest and say that we aren't experts in this whatsoever.  In fact most of the time we fail at giving grace, but we're learning.  Hey, this could be a whole new blog post: learning to be better grace givers!

Happy weekend friends.  May you feel God's grace and love in your lives.

'Am I still a mother, as I have no child with me?' My reply is this, 'If you have held a child in your womb you are a mother, and I can think of no one who deserves that accolade more, than those who have had to give their child back.'
-Zoe Clark-Coates


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