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Showing posts from June, 2014

THE PARK'S TURN FIVE.

As I reflect upon the last five years living life together as husband and wife, I can't help but think how incredibly blessed we are.  Life isn't perfect.  We don't have fancy cars, or a fancy home.  We have struggled living paycheck to paycheck.  We've had employment challenges and difficulties, and most recently, challenges with my health.  We have fought.  We have made up.  We have loved.  We have laughed.  We made plans.  We had expectations and life didn't necessarily turn out the way we thought it would.  At times, life has been really, really hard.  But, if I had to do it over again, I would still choose him.  Hands down these have been the best five years of my life and I can't wait for what's to come.  Thanks honey for choosing me every single day.  You are the best!  And you're hot.  The end.

Oh!  And to celebrate, we went out to dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant downtown, Noi Thai.  Excellent food.  Great company.  The best night.

STILL SWIMMING.

Well, it has been two months since we lost our precious little one and I no longer cry every day.  I am learning to maneuver through the waves of grief.  It's not over, but the intensity has begun to dissipate.  For a while, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave and sleep all day and all night.  I felt so alone.  And it seemed that my only comfort was reading stories of others who had gone through the same pain and grief.
Reminders seem to be everywhere.  I continue getting baby updates from online companies even after I have unsubscribed.  I secretly weep when I see pregnant women.  It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby...apart from me.  I have packed up the few baby items I purchased and tucked them away for another time.  The painful details are replayed in my head over and over.  I remember the sonographer's face when the tumors were found.  The expression on the doctor's face when she told me I was having a miscarriage and explaining what would happen ne…

BARRENNESS, LOSS, HEALING, AND HOPE PART 3

Click HERE for Part 1 and HERE for Part 2.  TRIGGER WARNING: Death, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, D & C.

Fast forward one week.  4:45am on Saturday April 5th, the bleeding began.  Exactly nine weeks pregnant.  I had minimal cramping but we ended up calling the on-call MD later that morning.  We were told to come in immediately if it got any worse.  Since it didn't change, we waited a day.  The next morning I was bleeding more heavily and in excruciating pain that I was on all fours leaning over the side of the bed.  My husband called the on-call MD again and we were told to head straight to the E.R.  I knew what was happening.

The rest of that day was sort of a blur.

They did some tests. An ultrasound.

The ultrasound revealed the yolk sac but the technician couldn't detect the baby.  She commented that it didn't mean for sure it wasn't in there, but that we just couldn't see it.  What she could see though was something neither one of us were expecting...and they wer…

BARRENNESS, LOSS, HEALING, AND HOPE PART 2

To catch up, click HERE to read Part 1 first.

Two days after that dreaded phone call where I had learned I'd need to schedule an infertility consultation, I was doing my morning temping and realized that I was now two days late.  Late.  I am almost never late.  I am as consistent as they get!  From my fertility calendar I knew I had ovulated earlier than usual that month, so being late seemed like something veeeeeery interesting.  I couldn't help but think, could this be the month???  I slowly peeled myself out of bed and crept to the bathroom in stealth mode so as not to wake the hubby.  Only one other time in the last year had I been late and peed on the stick to find it come up negative within about ten seconds.  This time around though, the word we had been hoping and praying for for so long finally appeared on the display "PREGNANT"!!!  I had to take a second look.  And a third.  And a fourth.  Was this for real?  I looked again for a faded "NOT" but it…

BARRENNESS, LOSS, HEALING, AND HOPE PART 1

source The husband and I started our "Winter Project" in February of 2013.  We were excited to expand our family and we had expectations that the process wouldn't take very long.  All of our friends had gotten pregnant within 1-3 months so we thought we'll probably take that long too since we're young and healthy.  I felt like singing from the rooftops because I was so happy to get off of birth control.  My humble opinion is that birth control pills should really be made for men.  It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest.  Just sayin'!!
From the very beginning, we decided that we would take care of me as if we were already pregnant.  Prenatal vitamin-check. No alcohol or coffee-check. No sushi-check. And so on and so forth.  We prayed and asked the Lord to bless us with a child in His timing.  And we trusted Him.

I charted my periods, fluids, and temperatures daily (I recommend Fertility Friend and make sure to get the free p…