Skip to main content

STILL SWIMMING.

Well, it has been two months since we lost our precious little one and I no longer cry every day.  I am learning to maneuver through the waves of grief.  It's not over, but the intensity has begun to dissipate.  For a while, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave and sleep all day and all night.  I felt so alone.  And it seemed that my only comfort was reading stories of others who had gone through the same pain and grief.

Reminders seem to be everywhere.  I continue getting baby updates from online companies even after I have unsubscribed.  I secretly weep when I see pregnant women.  It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby...apart from me.  I have packed up the few baby items I purchased and tucked them away for another time.  The painful details are replayed in my head over and over.  I remember the sonographer's face when the tumors were found.  The expression on the doctor's face when she told me I was having a miscarriage and explaining what would happen next.

Unless someone has been through a miscarriage, they will never truly be able to understand how different the loss of a child is to every other situation.  And I'll never be able to explain it to them.  Babies are not supposed to die.  But they do.  Every single day.  People don't know how to respond and many have become very awkward around me.  Some try and act as if nothing happened because they simply don't know what to do.  People are insensitive, but not on purpose.  Though it is hurtful, I try not to take it personally.

Losing our baby has changed us.  I don't yet know or fully understand any of it and I may never know, at least not in this lifetime.  This baby of ours is gone, but not lost.  My arms are empty, and my heart is heavy.  I'm weary, and hurting.  Sad.  Angry at everything.  Breathing in.  Breathing out.  The emotions come and go, come and go, come and go...like waves in the ocean.  Despite the pain and the heartache, my husband and I remind ourselves that our son or daughter represents many.  We are not alone.  How many of us have felt this anguish of losing a child?


Sometimes God calms the storm.  Sometimes God calms the sailor.  But sometimes He makes us swim.

Let me add a little side note about the tumors.  About two weeks ago I saw my gynocologist and was told that my uterus has decreased now to the size of a 13 week pregnancy (initially after surgery it had ballooned up to a 15 week size).  The most recent ultrasound showed that my tumors are beginning to decrease in size!  They have now found five, not four like initially thought.  The doctor believes that there could be many more, as they seem to cluster together, but we won't know until the next ultrasound next month.  We have scheduled the second surgery for Mid-July and I am getting to the place where I can begin to see the future and know that healing is coming.

A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.


The following song, called Oceans, by Hillsong United, has ministered to my heart and I pray that it ministers to yours.  No matter your circumstances or your suffering, you can call upon the Lord, and He will answer.  His grace abounds in deepest waters.  Let your soul rest in His perfect embrace.

Comments

  1. Hi. I recently found your blog and your words melted my heart. Why? I've been through same, so I can relate. Don't lose hope. I have two beautiful children, after suffering a first trimester miscarriage, and also a blighted ovum. My fibroid was pregnancy induced, and shrunk right after I gave birth to my first child.
    I concur, "nobody will understand". I encourage you to cry when you feel like it, and let it all out. It's really important to grieve, and in the end, you will be ecstatic when you get to hold your first baby...God bless :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Delia. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they are comforting. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees, but each day I am becoming more and more hopeful for the future and our future little ones. Thanks again, I appreciate your time in commenting here.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dresser turned TV stand makeover!

Tonight, I am so excited to share with you what hubby has been working on for the last few months in his spare time.  Let me preface by saying that we've had our TV hanging on the wall above our fire place since we purchased it about a year ago.  And though I liked it there and it fit well, it wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  You see, while the TV is on and you're sitting on the sofa curled up in a warm blanket drinking hot tea, you can't have the gas fireplace running.  Not only do I use the TV for viewing movies and television shows, but I listen to a lot of music through it.  I love our fireplace but would love it more if I could use it!  So to solve that problem I was on a mission to find a nice TV stand.
After searching online and finding a lot of great furniture options, I realized I didn't really want to spend any money.  We had a dresser gifted to my husband years ago that we were planning on selling or donating but I really wanted to find a new use for i…

Homemade Mod Podge

We all know how expensive Mod Podge is at the craft store, right?  And since there are so many projects which use it, I thought I could find a homemade version online.  Love pinterest!  This is seriously the easiest DIY project I have ever done.
Supplies: A Jar (I rescued an empty Tostitos Creamy Spinach Dip Jar YUMMM which was on its way out to be recycled)Elmer's White Glue (I used two 4 fl oz bottles)Water Before I made the Mod Podge, I washed out the jar and spray painted the lid silver.  I also took off the label from the jar and did my best to get rid of all of the adhesive (first tried a paper towel and rubbing alcohol, but it didn't work and then I tried olive oil and it worked like a charm). Instructions: Empty glue into jarFill the empty glue bottle with water and pour into the new jar with the glue  (Ideally, you want 50% glue and 50% water)Shake, Shake, SHAKE the jar That's it!  You have made homemade mod podge!  EASY PEASY!
You can get a little fancy and create a lab…

TWO YEARS | remembering our miscarriage

We all have that day. The day when our world changed forever. For us, it was the day we lost our little one. I don't cry much anymore, but I remember. The pain isn't raw as it once was, but I will never forget.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. The day I told my husband he was a daddy to be. I remember the dreams we had for this baby. Our hopes. Our plans. Our future. I remember our normally un-snuggly dog coming up to me and nuzzling her head under my arm pit, resting her head on my belly as if she knew there was a little life growing inside of me. I remember the prayers. So many prayers. We prayed every night for this baby of ours. For their future. For their health. For their life. The unbelievable love.
The warmth of the sun and the smell in the air.
I remember the darkness descending. The blood. The emergency room. The tests. The feelings of fear. The spoken words. The reality dawning. The unimaginable pain.
The surgery.
The pain isn't raw as it once was…